Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I look excited, but its just a facade.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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