My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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