I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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