so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
