I accidentally had phone sex last night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
