I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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