its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
