Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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