I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
