Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize