I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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