Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
