I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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