I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
