Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
