my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
