There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
