I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
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You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize