my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
