Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
