So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
