I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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