Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
