I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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