Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
