What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
