I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
