i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
