If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
