Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
