my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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