apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
