Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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