He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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