then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
