if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
