I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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