I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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