I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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