I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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