Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
