Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
