I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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