I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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