the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
