I think I am morally bankrupt
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize