Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
