This is not my ceiling
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
