He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
