i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
