his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
