She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
