boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
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I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I think I just sharted jello shots
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