if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
