I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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