Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
