I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dear god my vagina.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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