I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
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I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
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Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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