i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
