"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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