I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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