I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
